Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
