Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
