My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
