Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
