Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
