FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
