That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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