Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
