I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
