How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
