does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
