no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
