Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
