God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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