forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
