I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
