The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
