It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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