I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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