I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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