His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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