So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
