Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
