you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
