I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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