Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
