Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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