there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
