My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
