I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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