Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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