Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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