not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sorry about my life...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
A+ Viking dick
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