My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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