thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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