dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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