We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am available for nakedness
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
