saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
