i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
