Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
