battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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