Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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