They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
