apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
