I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
