I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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