I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
