I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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