areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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