my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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