You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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