How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was born a porn star she said
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
