Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
