i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
