Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
