is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
