I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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