I have demons in me.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
